Originally posted to Bravely Enduring, my original author blog, in July 2018.
The postpartum season of motherhood is a blessed fog.
Four pregnancies and five babies in, I always feel like I spend the first twelve months after birth blinking. Blinking in disbelief that my body made such a miracle. Blinking in an effort to burn every precious moment of infancy on the back sides of my eyelids. “Remember this moment. This one.” Blinking and the moment to remember is gone.
And of course, blinking with complete exhaustion.
In all my blinking and in an effort to focus my heart on my new baby – and in this most recent case babies because twins – I almost always lose my way in my relationship with the one who created us.
Recently, despite my fog, I realized my spiritual life had once again fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole – an unforeseen pit in my faith, a pit with many tunnels and coves and hidden dens. I confessed to a friend that I felt like I had disconnected, numbed out, fallen farther than ever before, and I despaired whether I would ever find my way out this time.
And back to him.
In her wisdom, and she is wise, she reminded me he always comes for us. He has always reached down to us – we don’t have to strive to reach up. And in fact, he is already near.
I’m working too hard.
As a salve for my discomfort, as a place of rest in my season of blinking and disconnection, she suggested I just spend time in prayerful gratitude – not to pray for guidance or for nearness. Just to be glad. In prayer.
So I did. I am. Days passed. I rested.
And then while taking a walk around the block in the Texas heat, holding one of my twins who in turned leaned heavily on my chest, I heard him. I heard him reminding my heart. He said, “I know that rabbit hole.”
I know that rabbit hole.
I nearly stopped on the sidewalk. Of course he does.
He knows how I got down there, how I long to be out, and he knows just how to get to me.
And the rescue was underway.
When I sat down to write this, I thought it was going to be a story about confidence. But now, in just a few paragraphs, he is telling me not even my confidence is required. He promises to come for us. And he will. It doesn’t matter if we believe it will happen or not. His faithfulness is not dependent on our belief.
We just have to sit in the rabbit hole. And be glad.
He’s coming. In fact, he’s already here.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”
Psalm 139:7-10 NIV
Rabbit Holes Meditation
Affirmation: I am not lost.
Scripture: Psalm 139: 7-10 NIV
Music for Reflection: Came to My Rescue